Public Access Television – Not a Fate of Fantos Review

One special night I was sitting in front of the television set carelessly flipping through channels, a slave to my genetic programming of laziness and stupor.

“Isn’t that the same thing you do every night, Charlie?”

Why yes, yes it is Pinky. That’s not what made this particular night special.

After breezing by a Tony Little infomercial I ran right into it. Oddly enough, the picture was kind of grainy, slightly muting the vibrant colors of this…I’m not really sure what it was exactly.

Like a semi-truck blasting through a squirrel on the freeway, my mind immediately became juiced and I couldn’t look away.

And now it’s too late for you too.


WTF

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“HU-MANZ AND FREAKS OF FANTOS! I AM THE ALMIGHTY ZODRAZ! YOUR TIME IS COMING TO AN END! YOUR WANTON DESTRUCTION AND GLUTTONOUS HARVESTING OF IRIDIUM IS KILLING THE PLANET! SO I WILL KILL YOU! ONLY ONE WILL BE SPARED AND IT WILL BE THE CITADEL WITH THE MOST IRIDIUM SHARDS! NOW, SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!”

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“Aw, hell naw.”

 

 

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“But why must we compete to strip Fantos of iridium if that very action is why we are being punished? It makes no sense!”

 

 

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“SILENCE!”

 

Later that evening at the citadel of Prima Tempesta…

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The people gather under the stars to sip from the sacred pool of Listerine.

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“The only way to ascend to the right hand of Zodraz is to reap the sacred shards and consume the life-force of our mother! LET US HARVEST!”

 

 

 

“YESSS! HEAR, HEAR! DO IT!”

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Fantos weeps!

 

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“SINCE YOU CONTINUE TO PLUNDER THE ORBS’ WARES, YOU WILL SUFFER!”

 

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Each citadel offered tribute, a chosen warrior to redeem their house and sacrifice body and soul to overcome their peers.

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Citadel Kuharibu nominates the Astrologers.

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Citadel Lumeria nominates the Merchant!

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Citadel Prima Tempesta shunned the call, refusing to task one of their legacies to the brazen showcasing of pomposity.

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The Astrologers, seers of the stars, claimed the cup and became reigning tribute. Lumeria cursed the glowing gods and buried their head in the dirt below their phallic structure.

 

A short time later, at Kuharibu…

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The collective tribute of Fantos demands war!!!

 

 

 

So war was declared and war occurred. Kuharibu tasked its legacies and rolled the dice.

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The target of their destruction was Prima Tempesta, not because of hatred or a particular ledger to settle, but because Fantos only allows you attack the citadel to your left. So Tempesta it was.

A weak defense was mounted.

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Carnage ensued as the Sacristan and Executioner guzzled blood and seized iridium from the people under the skull. It was glorious. It was the next player’s turn.

 

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Lumeria chooses harvest! The Villein will gather thy bounty and appease Zodraz!

Kuharibu, in all its rascal fervor, said “nuh-uh.”

TheĀ people of Lumeria fell into revolt and the harvest was cancelled!

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It was at that point that my memory stopped. I would like to blame the stupor on mind-altering side effects of such bizarre television programming, but that wasn’t the case.

Did it even happen? Was it all just an intense fever dream of idiosyncrasy and aggression?

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